Entries tagged with 'Bodily Functions'
Hello, Teagan Jayne :: Part II
August 28, 2010
Continued from Part I[Quick note: Yes, it has taken this many months to write this all out. How many? Eleven crazy crazy months of balls-to-the-wall gnarliness, and I don't wanna hear any guff about the delay. I feel like a... Read more >
Hello, Teagan Jayne :: Part I
September 12, 2009
This one's for Teagan. To remember the day she was born. If I told you that 5:45 Sunday morning, September 6, 2009, arrived in an eyeblink, quicker than thought, quicker even than acceptance of eight-plus months of denial could evaporate... Read more >
Time Ticks Down
August 19, 2009
Three weeks to go. And who'd have thought two pregnancies could be so different? It's weird enough having something wiggling around on the inside of your body, shoving itty bitty extremeties into the nooks and crannies of your hip bones,... Read more >
The Hostess with the Leastest
October 5, 2008
I haven't spoken at length to anybody but The Varmint, Baby Mak and Deb for more than seven days straight. This remains true despite the fact I hosted book club with 4 of my favorite gal pals in attendance on... Read more >
No More Eye Contact
January 4, 2008
The Varmint: "Um, babe? There were Kotex on this shopping list."Tam: "And your point?"The Varmint: "Well, I only had, like, two other items on the list."Tam: "Yeah?"The Varmint: "And there were three different kinds of Kotex. [pause] Um, I did... Read more >
Caddyshack Revisited
April 12, 2007
This is a story about poo. But like most stories about poo, it begins as a story about food.Makenna started solids last week, a wallpaper paste mixture of breast milk and rice cereal. This week, we added applesauce. At each... Read more >
I Love the Smell of Baby Barf in the Morning
March 18, 2007
The entire Varmint Clan was bright-eyed and bushytailed before 7am today. And there wasn't even a plane to catch. On normal days, Mak wakes up around 5am. I go get her, bring her to our bed and she has breakfast.... Read more >
A Stupid, Stupid Move
September 23, 2006
So yesterday I'm talking to my friend Summer on the phone. She's pregnant too, so we're having a lively little gab sesh and cackling madly about stuff that first-time pregnant chicks chat about - namely bodily functions, phobias and all... Read more >
On Pins and Needles
September 20, 2006
Yesterday, good friend and pro needler Mike Julien stopped by with his big plastic box of goodies. He had me sit comfortably on our couch and proceeded to pop needles an inch or so deep in ten different spots on... Read more >
My Current Perspective
September 7, 2006
No, no - you're not looking at three moons, three paper plates, three eggs in a bowl or some bizarre set of freckled lightbulbs. This is my view whenever I try to see my feet. Will you look at that... Read more >
Our Commute’s Now 10 Times Shorter
June 8, 2006
You’ll notice we are no longer calling our backyard structure “The Shed.” That’s because we’ve updated our plans. Our new, far more practical (read: affordable) plan is to skip the garage conversion and make our new building world headquarters for... Read more >
Why I Shouldn't Watch 'Baby Story'
June 5, 2006
Always diligent, I thought it might be wise to conduct some research and watch the many ways the birthing thing goes down before my own feet hit the stirrups. That way, I logically figured, I could try to mentally prepare... Read more >
Get Outta Mah Belly
April 25, 2006
And no, I'm not talking about the baby. Yet. What I am talking about is baby's not-often-talked-about sidekick: Gas. Nobody ever tells you the weird day-to-day stuff of pregnancy. Sure, they'll give you the half-hour play-by-play of their excruciating birth,... Read more >
Everything's Getting Bigger
March 29, 2006
Monday, the second contractor came by the house to tell us exactly how much of our hard-earned savings he felt we were going to have to cough up in order to make our postage stamp-sized, two-person home livable with a... Read more >
Overheard
January 24, 2006
The Varmint: "Careful! Don't kiss me right now, babe, I'm really stinky." Tam: *coughing* "Dude! That's not even right - you're right, you reek! Go take a shower, why don't you?" The Varmint: *guiltily* "I can't. It's, uh, even stinkier... Read more >
One Month Under the Influence
January 16, 2006
I'm not a big fan of swallowing pills. Especially a big, horse-sized pill, the kind you have to position just so on your tongue in order to avoid it smacking your throat-wiener on the way down and making you gag.... Read more >
The Varmint: His Origins & Evolution
January 6, 2006
It has come to my attention from a certain reliable, unnamed source, that a regular reader by the name of Greg has taken umbridge at The Varmint's nickname. He feels the nickname to be disparaging, and would prefer that I,... Read more >
Cluck, Cluck, Cluck
December 27, 2005
Ooo-eeee! I got me an egg. See that cluster of round spots in the sonogram picture, below? See the one big spot surrounded by all the other little round spots? (Yeah, me neither.) According to the nurse practitioner, that thar's... Read more >
Earl of the Waiting Room
December 24, 2005
My favorite part of undergoing any medical procedure is the waiting room. That's because waiting rooms are prime people-watching real estate. I love fabricating back-stories of the more colorful characters to pass the time. This morning's waiting room was at... Read more >
Further Props to The Varmint
December 20, 2005
I have to take a moment to thank the unsung hero of last night, my husband, The Varmint, who valiantly and without heed to his personal welfare cleaned up the bathroom after it was summarily destroyed by... someone. [ For... Read more >
Pre-Holiday Holidays with My Other Family
December 20, 2005
They say there is the family you live with and then there is the family you choose. "They" forget that there is also the family you've spent so much of your life with that you have no choice but to... Read more >
The Great Hair Migration
November 5, 2005
Sometime in the last year when we weren’t looking, the opening volley in The Hair Wars was fired. This is the advantage to being married to someone your age: You can verbalize the incredulity that this shit is actually happening... Read more >
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