Time Ticks Down

Three weeks to go. And who'd have thought two pregnancies could be so different? 

It's weird enough having something wiggling around on the inside of your body, shoving itty bitty extremeties into the nooks and crannies of your hip bones, rib cage, bladder floor and belly button. Things this time around have never ceased to make me go "Hmmmmph?!" - from the barfous first three months, to the substantially smaller belly, to the wonky knee-cracking ligaments and breathlessness. The biggest changes are not with body, but attitude.

It's so much quieter internally this time around. Less fear. There's none of the trying to control things. No classes, birth plans, room decorating or baby showers. The hoopla's been eliminated.

We're riding this one out low-key and mellow. The anticipation is there, tempered by a bittersweet melancholy: The internal connection to my wee new girl is not as fierce as it was with Makenna; in the face of the recognized enormous powerlessness of the gestating and birth process, I've retreated into myself and my relationship with my walking daughter. I'm treasuring every remaining moment of just-the-two-of-us time together.

I've got a bad case of the "been there, done that"s with this pregnancy, despite the fact that things are so different this time around. Perhaps the early scare of catastrophic issues with this pregnancy skeeved me. Or perhaps I'm deeper in denial - or more aware and wary - of the life-changing wrecking ball swinging our way.

BabyOnesiesDon't misread me; I'm thrilled we're having another wee girl. I know it's going to be brilliant for the whole family - and especially for Kenna, whose best friend I hope to be giving birth to shortly.

But honesty requires truth: There's a mourning for the joy of our current threesome, the deep blue relationship with my beautiful first daughter, the budding bits of freedom we're all enjoying with her growing independence. Soon, it will be back to double-digit diaper changes, hyper-vigilance and the brave new world of sibling dynamics. Fun!

They say you've got to let go before you can embrace something (or someone) new - but the good news is, in this case, it's ultimately a group hug.

In the meantime, if I'm feeling a little blue and need a pick-me-up, I just walk into the girls' room and look at all of the brand new teeny-tiny onesies sitting in her drawer. If that doesn't put a smile on your face, nothing will.




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I am a writer and lazy artist who loves travel, architecture and design. Right now, I'm into photography. My fabulous husband (a.k.a. The Varmint) and I are also the principals of a San Diego-based creative agency - and new parents to the divine Baby Mak. Read More >