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Welcome to the Jungle, Part II

It has been weeks since a decent post, but that's because I've been puking my guts out for the last couple of months. Any time not spent hovering over the crapper has pretty much been spent trying to figure out what I might be able to eat that will just stay put.

At first we thought it was stomach flu, because as most everyone knows by know, the Black Jaws of Death have pretty much had their way with me for the last quarter of 2008 through to early '09. What was another virus amongst the many I've so enjoyed for the last 5 months?

Turns out, ladies and germs, that the virus is a bit more parasitic in nature - an unexpected shock for this fertility-challenged gal and her man of many surprises. 

Yep. Turns out Makenna's getting a little buddy, and me the ripe old age of 41. Go figure. Meanwhile, Mak's favorite new game is to run to the toilet and make retching sounds, gleefully announcing, "KENNA SICK!"

So, how did I take the news? After sitting dumbfounded, mouth agape, staring at the wall for a few hours without blinking while Deb cackled mercilessly next to me on the sofa, I tried unsuccessfully about 300 times to call The Varmint at work. I then sent the father-to-be the following email:

  

To: The Varmint
Subject: You Might Want to Call Me ...
Date: January 26, 2009 11:45:55 AM PST
- - - - - - - -

 

Big News

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I figured he should share the joy. It worked. He swung by his office on his way to another meeting and took a cursory glance at his email. Then, his knees gave out. He fell into his chair, apparently assuming nearly the exact same zombified expression of disbelief I was so thoroughly savoring at my own desk. All appropriate parties thus properly informed, I got down to the business of considering What exactly does this mean for us? 

Um. Let's see...

THUNDEROUS REALIZATIONS IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE

- Our house is 960 square feet. One bathroom. Two bedrooms. We will now have to move. Soonerish, rather than later-ish.
- All current financial, lifestyle and familial plans must be thrown out the window and reworked.
- I'm going to be BoobWoman for another year, at least.
- Diapers? Not over after all. (As a matter of fact, this means 5 years of diapers straight, with the most miniscule of breaks for poopless aromatics in-between.)
- Sleeping? We'd heard rumors that people were still doing that.
- Years more of spit up. Blueberry stains. Plastic lawn detritus. Flab.
- $$$ x 2.
- As parents, we will no longer be enjoying the 2-against-1 advantage. Oh, fuck.
- The number of kids will now equal my number of arms. Double fuck.
- Makenna will be teaching the new one everything she knows.
- Sibling. Rivalry. AUGH!
- Odds of scoring a babysitter: Decreased by at least 65%.

 Yes, there are going to be good things, too. I know, I know. Double the love, double the laughs, they'll be each other's best buddy. The family's thrilled. Yadda yadda.

Me and The Varmint? We're not there yet, people. We're still in the-great-white-shark- ate-my-homework-holy-shit-what- were-we-thinking?-somebody- save-us place. We're coming around. Slowly. Which is better than never, right? And in other good news, there's only one in there as opposed to the musings of my devilish husband and good 'friends' who relished toruring me with scenarios of multiples.

We also just found out yesterday that at 13 weeks, we're a month farther along than we thought we were. We also saw the little tumbler somersaulting around the uterus, having a blast, showing off the right number of fingers and toes, and sucking her little thumb. (The tech thought it was a wee girl, but couldn't be sure. Which actually sounds pretty cute. Two little girls...)

OK. So maybe we can do this. Maybe we won't implode from the pressure. Maybe this little adventure was meant to be after all.

Maybe I'm totally insane and had no idea what I was thinking. 

Definitely.

Now, where's that ice cream? 

 

 


Comments

  1. DebDziewit said on March 15, 2009 20:11

    Slight correction. I cackled mercilessly, then actually offered support and listened. Then I cackled mercilessly again.

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I am a writer and lazy artist who loves travel, architecture and design. Right now, I'm into photography. My fabulous husband (a.k.a. The Varmint) and I are also the principals of a San Diego-based creative agency - and new parents to the divine Baby Mak. Read More >