Tina Fey Porked My Varmint

So last night my best friend, Tina Fey, hooked up with The Varmint. Not once, but three whole times. She was very non-chalant about the whole scrumping my husband thing.

"The first time we hooked up," she said casually to me, "I thought, 'Hey! He's pretty good. There might be something here,'" she pauses, chucking my arm in a friendly way. "But then, by the second time we did it, I was thinking, 'Meh - it's just a good time,' I mean he IS your husband and everything." 

And while I felt the flaming hellfire of hatred boiling in my chest, and pictured myself poking her grinning little face repeatedly with a really sharp pencil, giving her one of those lead tattoos - a permanent reminder of her slutty slutty ways - right. there. in. the. middle. of. her. forehead... I didn't. I swallowed hard instead, held it all inside and smiled a totally fake smile of understanding and commiseration.

Hey. It was TINA FEY, after all, and in this particular dream, not only am I a fan, I am her best friend. Somehow, in the way that dreams have different rules than real life, it gave her the right to crush uglies with my man without my clawing her eyes out.

It doesn't however, mean that I can't be pissed at my snoring husband when I wake up.

So naturally I do the only thing an irrationally jealous wife would do. I wake his sleeping ass up and tell him the whole thing. To his credit, he listens with interest, acquiesces to my demands for compensatory smooches, and then says, "Thanks."

And I reply, "For what?"

"For choosing Tina Fey. She's totally my type."

"Um... excuse me?"

"Yeah. She's hot. Smart and all that. Totally my type."

"Damn it," I mutter. "Next time I'm telling my subconscious to go with Pam Anderson." 





  1. The Varmint said on March 19, 2008 16:52

    I have to confess I have a secret crush on Tina Fey - cute-smarty-pants-funny-girl and all. So I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my wife for fueling this fantasy. You rock babe!

  2. maggie erin hillis said on November 6, 2014 07:04

    I like scrumping other womens' men. I am a scrumper who scrumps and scrumps and scrumps. I'm not the prettiest mule in the barn, but I'm the best scrumper on the east coast. I scrump my co-workers, most especially, because I was an ugly fat girl who started running marathons to get skinny so I could scrump my underlings so they can't get away from me. I'm mad with power. My most recent and quite juicy scrumped man can't say no or get away from me, because if he does he'll lose his job! I'll have him fired. So he must cooperate with my scrumping OR ELSE. HA HA! An apple a day, and all that rot!

    I'd scrump your varmint as well, if he'd let me.

    From the frumpiest scrumper, ever to scrump another woman's man,

    Maggie Erin Hillis of Chattnooga


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I am a writer and lazy artist who loves travel, architecture and design. Right now, I'm into photography. My fabulous husband (a.k.a. The Varmint) and I are also the principals of a San Diego-based creative agency - and new parents to the divine Baby Mak. Read More >