Picking a New Poison

Fantastic news: The Momster doesn't have cancer.

After her rather spectacular coughing up of blood, I would have bet my first born that she wasn't going to dodge that bullet, but I'd have been wrong. She did - once again proving that you'd be a dumbass to bet against a corn-fed Kansas farmgirl, even if she has smoked for 50+ years.

That doesn't mean she's a health queen, but I've agreed not to publicly disclose her diagnosis (or face the wrath of The Opera Diva who will smite me down and take me back out of the world she "so generously brought me into.") It pretty much means she's got to quit her little pals The Ciggies OR ELSE. Not an electrifying proposition for her, for me, for anyone within throwing distance - or even a 10 mile radius. 

I'm going to propose a substitute addiction, to give her something to look forward to and improve our chances for success. (Yes, "our" chances! This is a huge deal for the whole family!)

While I'm open to suggestions, she already nixed my first choice, which would have been sex.

This, frankly, baffles me. I mean, it's great cardio, social by its very nature, and has built-in rewards. But no. She predicted and denied my suggestion, swatting it down with a squinty-eyed, frosty harrumph before I could even propose it. Dammit.

So let's see. What's a good substitute for smoking? Gambling? Nah. Too easy to slip back into the smokes. Caffeine? Not good for an insomniac. (I come by it honestly.) Spirulina? Primal screaming? Bubble blowing?

C'mon people. I can't do this alone. Email me some ideas, here. Anybody got any good ones?



  1. Deb said on September 21, 2007 13:00

    One website said to brush your teeth instead of smoke. Perhaps Jan could walk around with a toothbrush. She would have the cleanest teeth in town. Or maybe she'd like to eat Nutella, like another website suggested. A spoonful every time she wanted a cigarette. Are these people high?

    One message I do have for your mom: Jan, we're all rooting for you and want you to be here with us for a very along time. So use all that no-nonsense farm girl spunk you have and beat this addiction. I know Tam didn't come by her "can do anything" attitude on her own. In fact, I'm pretty sure she got it from you. So, go get 'em.


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I am a writer and lazy artist who loves travel, architecture and design. Right now, I'm into photography. My fabulous husband (a.k.a. The Varmint) and I are also the principals of a San Diego-based creative agency - and new parents to the divine Baby Mak. Read More >