Bitey Lingers Despite Being Fired

Despite being fired for the egregious divets he's carved from countless shins, Bitey lingers on in our house.

Bitey, for those of you wondering what the hell I'm talking about, is the name of our current coffee table. Alternatively, Bitey has been called "You Fucker" "God Damn Thing" "Lousy Piece of Shit" and combinations thereof, usually shouted while hopping around on one leg. We consider Bitey to be the PG-version of his real name.

To put it in perspective, my own mother recently used one of Bitey's alternative names when Bitey decided to impale her tibia while she carried the baby. I don't know if I'd want to repeat the viewing of the actual accident, it looked painful and created quite a lump, but the swearing part? Oh yeah. I wish I had it on a loop.

CoffeeTableThe good news is that a couple of weekends back, we found Bitey's replacement at a consignment store. That's the new guy, right. I think we heard a cheer go up from our family and friends when we pulled out our credit card.

With the purchase, we are losing some storage, which in our teeny tiny abode is no small matter. But since much of our furniture has this late-50s to 60s Scandinavian aesthetic, it will look good. That, combined with the fact that it will reduce our monthly ice pack expenditure counts for something in this household.

We need to know the table before we name it, but I'm already partial to Sven. Or maybe Lars. I love the slim tapered legs and the lovely, firm piece of stone on top - stone that isn't see-through glass.

The bad news? The refinishers gave us a six-week timeline for stripping it and having it brought up to snuff. That's ok. We can wait. We've lived with Bitey for many years, now. And knowing that he may be destined for the scrap heap if we can't find another home filled with ripe, tender and deeply unsuspecting shins for him to gnaw has endeared him to us, somewhat.

Until the next attack. Then he's getting wheeled to the curb with a sign that says 'FREE'.


  1. The Varmint said on March 19, 2007 18:41

    Just this morning Bitey took a nasty nip out of my patellar tendon. Apparently this is a final, last-gasp effort to cripple me before we kick it to the curb. Yep, Bitey is a spiteful little bugger.


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I am a writer and lazy artist who loves travel, architecture and design. Right now, I'm into photography. My fabulous husband (a.k.a. The Varmint) and I are also the principals of a San Diego-based creative agency - and new parents to the divine Baby Mak. Read More >