My Current Perspective

 No, no - you're not looking at three moons, three paper plates, three eggs in a bowl or some bizarre set of freckled lightbulbs. This is my view whenever I try to see my feet.

Will you look at that thing? I dwarf Dom DeLuise on his best all-you-can-eat, meatloaf-and-pasta buffet extravaganza day.

I am a waddling fertility symbol. "Her Doni-ness" as The Varmint says, filled to the brim with wriggling baby and slosh. My stomach is freakin' HUGE, people - from your perspective as I'm walking down the street, no doubt ... but also from mine. Beer bellied fat guys have even started to raise their eyebrows.

I can't tell you how bizarre it is to go from skinny minny to this balloony babyhaus. Who knew skin could stretch this far? I've never, and I mean NEVER, been so grateful for making it tattoo-less through life as I am now. (Imagine some high school Tweety Bird stretched like a Silly Putty cartoon transfer over this thing. It'd look like some mutant Japanese horror monster!)

And yeah, yeah, yeah - all you big-hearted, baby-lovin' people out there - it's wonderful, too. . . Though I never expected to have to huff, puff, roll over and push up on all fours in order to get off the sofa.

Thank God I've managed to skip the stretch marks - the only thing that could improve this would be to look like I'd been mauled by a rabid anteater. 

Which reminds me. I have an announcement: If you try to call The Varmint Chateau, and no one answers, don't take it personally. Remember this picture and ask yourself whether or not lifting this thing up would be worth your getting off your ass for a phone call that might just as easily be a recording of your state senator or a vampiric pitch from the local blood bank.

These days, if The Varmint's not around to answer it, let's just say it takes a fresh meal, the sweet promise of the restroom or a crowbar to shift me from my current position. A ringing phone just doesn't make the cut.

I'm sure you couch potatoes out there can relate.


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I am a writer and lazy artist who loves travel, architecture and design. Right now, I'm into photography. My fabulous husband (a.k.a. The Varmint) and I are also the principals of a San Diego-based creative agency - and new parents to the divine Baby Mak. Read More >