Schweaty Boobs

San Diego's been a sauna lately: hot, moist and stinky. Not New Orleans-in-the-heat-of-summer uncomfortable, nor Chicago-in-the-blast-of-winter painful (gotta get some perspective, here), but uncharacteristically sticky and steaming and absolutely unrelenting.

It's the kind of heat where sleeping becomes a challenge and you find excuses to drive around in your air-conditioned car.

For me, it's definitely not a good time to be a pasty-skinned, skin-cancer-prone pregnant honky carting around an extra 25 pounds. I keep wondering to myself: "Could we have planned this whole having a kid thing out a little bit better, maybe? You know. Where I'm not my most pregnant at the hottest time of year?"

Meanwhile, I find I curse my underwear daily. I take showers just because. And I can't wait to get home, strip everything off and scare my husband as I truck through the house shouting, "Naked pregnant lady coming through! Avert your gaze or grab a bucket!"

I've also developed a newfound compassion for girls with big boobs - and a deep appreciation and longing for my fried-egg A-cups of yesteryear. (Oh, how I miss thee! I was a fool for ever scorning you!) Bigger boobs, I'm shocked to announce to you men and fellow Itty Bitty Members out there, are sweaty boobs. When they weigh enough to actually touch your ribcage, the fleshy sauna begins and pretty soon, you're thinking of ways to rid yourself of the sub-mammary diving pools without anyone noticing you're using your husband's discarded t-shirt to wipe your boobage dry.

It's not a problem I've ever thought about before, but one my busty friends nod sagely about while smirking at me.

"Welcome to the club, mamasita," says my chesty D-cup mom, "They're not exactly sexy in hot weather, are they?"

"Um, no," I reply thoughtfully. "But considering the other impending function they're about to serve, sexy's a long, long way away."


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I am a writer and lazy artist who loves travel, architecture and design. Right now, I'm into photography. My fabulous husband (a.k.a. The Varmint) and I are also the principals of a San Diego-based creative agency - and new parents to the divine Baby Mak. Read More >