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Why I Shouldn't Watch 'Baby Story'
BirthTamVersion.jpg

Always diligent, I thought it might be wise to conduct some research and watch the many ways the birthing thing goes down before my own feet hit the stirrups. That way, I logically figured, I could try to mentally prepare myself for the different possibilities that the delivery room has to offer.

Research included watching Baby Story episodes on TLC and looking up birth illustrations on the internet. It only takes watching one birth to understand that many of the nice, clean baby-being-born illustrations are completely edited to some kind of artificial reality: They are not pink serene little beauties being guided gently from the womb by angelic hands - oh no.

TamLaPreggo_6mos.jpgTo give you some idea of my new level of awareness, I augmented one of those classical birthing illustrations to better illustrate reality. You know. I'm all about keepin' it real.

It all started during last week's Baby Story epidsode where, screaming and sweating, a chick pushed out a greenish-blue colored 11+-pounder. You can't tell me she'll ever be the same again - that baby was born with a linebacker's helmet on his head.

I'd bought a watermelon at the grocery store that day and it fed an entire picnic - it wasn't even close to 11 pounds. How can you wrap your head around the idea that your sweet little girlie bits could push a watermelon through without the rest of your internals following close behind?!

Then there was today's ep where two hulking male nurses are watching the mom du jour huff out a kid - and at the doctor's request end up using both hands and all of their strength to push on top of her belly in order to help her mash the thing through the birth canal. The kid was finally ejected in an explosive slurry of birthslime, claw marks undoubtedly marking his whole way down: It was bloody obvious the little brat didn't want to come out.

There are other horrific 'Baby Story' episodes I've seen, usually involving lots of slime and lots of time. Here's what I've learned: There are as many births as there are women. No two are exactly the same. So really, there's no mentally preparing for it other than 1) It's gonna hurt like hell and 2) In the end everyone says it was worth it.

And that's the thing, isn't it? It's already too late. As soon as that second little stripe showed up on that test, I was on the path, heading down that long hospital hallway, into the light of a strange new world. Me and The Varmint and the kid, all getting born into scary new lives and leaving our cozy old ones behind.

Yeah. I think it's time to start TiVo-ing something else: A nice cooking show, maybe. Or brainless reality TV. Something nice and numbing. Any suggestions?

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I am a writer and lazy artist who loves travel, architecture and design. Right now, I'm into photography. My fabulous husband (a.k.a. The Varmint) and I are also the principals of a San Diego-based creative agency - and new parents to the divine Baby Mak. Read More >