Melonius Funk

There is nothing better than cold, sweet, juicy watermelon on a hot summery day. It ranks at the top of the Tam's food preferences, and is something of an obsession for me.

I wait all year for watermelon season. Consumption isn't pretty, nor should it be: I am an award-winning expert in The Half-Rind, Full-Frontal Snarf technique. I share my knowledge with you here, in honor of watermelon season.


by Tam

[Disclaimer: The selection of a seedless watermelon makes this move much easier for amateurs. We pros actually swallow the seeds.]

1.) Grab your half-rind (recommended width 1.5 - 2") in both hands, open your mouth wide, turn your face sideways and sink your side-teeth into that glorious half-circle, approaching from the far right or left. (Whatever side feels natural - you'll just know.)

2.) Open wide like a baleen whale skimming for krill, and use an arcing, side-to-side head swivel to whittle large slabs of watermelon into your mouth. When you've got the angle right, they'll flow like a steady stream into your cavernous maw.

3.) Chew once or twice if you must. Swallow fast. Continue swiveling 'til you're at the bottom of the rind.

4.) Don't worry about hosing anyone standing too close with your off-spray. (They should know better.)

5.) This is optional: Splash your face and neck with cold water to wash away the sticky sugar coating - or, if you're a true connoisseur, you reach for the next slice and worry about it later.

For the record: People who eat watermelon with cutlery are pansies.MeloniusFunk2.jpg

Now, as great as a good, firm, ripe melon can be, there is nothing more revolting than a bad melon. Mealy or flavorless, a too-soft mush of pap (see the picture, right) - or, worst-case scenario all of the above - can ruin your melon munching.

Note the incognito melon, pictured at the top of the page. Doesn't it look perfect? Yeah. I thought so too. But take a bite and you'll discover the sad truth, just as I did: It tasted like a raw potato, and was the consistency of mouse paste.

After spitting it out, I decided to consult the Old Farmer's Almanac. Obviously, even I can be out of practice in choosing the perfect melon. Thusly prepared, I shall not be duped, disappointed and thrown into a funk for an entire watermelonless morning ever again.

And neither shall you:


by The Old Farmer's Almanac

1.) Thump it. If the watermelon sounds hollow, it's ripe. This is difficult for less-gifted ears.

2.) Look at the color on the top. The watermelon is ripe when there is little contrast between the stripes.

3.) Look at the color on the bottom. A green watermelon will have a white bottom; a ripe melon will have a cream- or yellow-colored bottom.

4.) Press on it. If the watermelon sounds like it gives a little, it's ripe. (Rhodes doesn't like this method because it can ruin the quality of the fruit.)

5.) Check the size. It's not necessarily true that when a watermelon is big enough, it's ready; but under good conditions, it should be normal size. If it's not, you're probably too anxious.


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I am a writer and lazy artist who loves travel, architecture and design. Right now, I'm into photography. My fabulous husband (a.k.a. The Varmint) and I are also the principals of a San Diego-based creative agency - and new parents to the divine Baby Mak. Read More >