Father's Day

This father's day was spent with The Varmint's family - great bastion of enlightened testosterone that it is, replete with three fathers (okay, two fathers and one awesome father-to-be) and three generations of boys.

Mostly, celebrating is about eating with this crowd - we're all foodies - and Chef Axel's delicious champagne brunch was just the ticket. 

For me, Father's Day is always a little melancholy. That's the way it is when your dad's passed away.

It was way back in June of 1992, so the worst of it is past, certainly, but it was sudden and unexpected (he died of an aortic aneurysm). So, that weird feeling of "here and gone" - that profound sense of the tenuousness, the fragility of current reality / happiness / comfort / security colors everything. It never really leaves.

The positive side of this is that you grab The Now hard, look at it from all angles, wallow in it, even document it for later retrospection (blogging, anyone?) and live in the moment as best you can.

At the conclusion of our pig-out brunch, when The Varmint's dad gently and considerately asked if I was thinking about my dad this Father's Day, I was surprised to hear myself say, "Well, it was a long time ago now, so I'm actually feeling sort of ok . . . " and trail off. It made me pause to think.

What I realized is that these days specific holidays or events bring - not depression, exactly, or grief or sadness anymore because so much time has passed - but an out-of-sorts feeling. It's a sense of something being not quite right. And a lot of wasteful what-if thoughts, as in, "I wonder how my life would be different if dad were still here."

The good news is that this also serves to keep his memory alive, so even if I can't remember what his voice sounds like anymore, I can remember plenty of other things about him. And mostly they're the things that make me laugh out loud.

I certainly still miss and adore my dad. But his absence combined with the time that has passed has served to strengthen my appreciation and enjoyment of the present. I count that equal to many of the other wonderful gifts he brought to my life, and as strange as it sounds, it's a gift for which I'm particularly grateful.

I love you, Dad.


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I am a writer and lazy artist who loves travel, architecture and design. Right now, I'm into photography. My fabulous husband (a.k.a. The Varmint) and I are also the principals of a San Diego-based creative agency - and new parents to the divine Baby Mak. Read More >