The Varmint: His Origins & Evolution

It has come to my attention from a certain reliable, unnamed source, that a regular reader by the name of Greg has taken umbridge at The Varmint's nickname. He feels the nickname to be disparaging, and would prefer that I, as a dutiful wife, should instead refer to The Varmint as "King".

Before I address poor misguided Greg, it occurs to me that out of consideration to newcomers to One Good Life, a petit histoire of The Varmint's nickname might be in order. The name originated from a period of about three weeks where The Varmint did not feel like shaving. His beard, head tufts, schnozz fur, etc. went feral. He was about the bushiest little feller you ever did see, and he would keep sticking his head in front of me for petting and scratching.

Combine the fur factor and grooming-on-demand with the following traits, and you'll see that he scores a "9" on The Varmint Index

1. The Varmint has a freakish obsession with leftovers.

2. He possesses an uncanny ability to ferret the smallest sweet from cupboard or refrigerator.

3. He appears from nowhere whenever snacks are being made, sniffing and begging with Bambi-eyes, then vanishing the instant the food is gone.

4. His personal grooming routine occasionally involves saliva.

5. The Varmint has a secret nest hidden on his side of the bed, lined with socks, undies, dirty clothes - pretty much anything he doesn't want to pick up. At present, it's about a foot-and-a-half high, with a suspiciously Varmint-sized indentation in the middle.

6. Inappropriate public scratching.

7. Grunting in lieu of speech.

I'm pleased to announce The Varmint didn't score well in either the "Ubiquitous Offspring" or "Urinary Marking" categories. Suffice it to say that the first time I called The Varmint a varmint, he paused, sniffed the air - then chuckled. He liked it. It was only much later that I was able to locate The Varmint's very own Varmint Twin, pictured here, and share it with the world.

The Varmint's varmint twin is perfectly suited to him: Jovial, water-loving (The Varmint's a talented surfer), industrious and clever. Every man has a Varmint Twin: Sometimes it just takes awhile to find the right one. It's not just about similarities in appearance. You have to take all aspects of the personality into consideration - you know, pay attention to the nuances - otherwise it just doesn't work. It's an art form, really.

So, Greg. About your critique? I hope this little history helps you to understand the deep respect I have for men - despite the affectionate nicknames and wink-wink-nudge-nudging I occasionally engage in here at One Good Life.

After all, I wouldn't want you to think poorly of me. My frail feminine psyche just wouldn't be able to tolerate it.



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I am a writer and lazy artist who loves travel, architecture and design. Right now, I'm into photography. My fabulous husband (a.k.a. The Varmint) and I are also the principals of a San Diego-based creative agency - and new parents to the divine Baby Mak. Read More >